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Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your sister
Me: oh no!
Kidnapper: the ransom is 10 grand
Kidnapper: b-but she’s your family
Me: we haven’t talked in like 10 months
Kidnapper: you could call her too
Me: nice try Mom
Dad: [in background] did it work?
[buying something online that in the pre-internet era I would’ve had to get out of bed, shower, get dressed, and leave the house to do]
Website: you have to go get your wallet now
Me: this is bullshitThe Washington Post@washingtonpost
[CHECKS DRIVING TIME TO CHESAPEAKE BAY]. 🦀 🦀🍴🍴
Chesapeake Bay blue crabs are at their most plentiful in seven years, scientists say https://t.co/SUr5tQgYiK
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
- 80 visits since 1 May 2019
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