Follow me on Twitter
Load More...Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your sister
Me: oh no!
Kidnapper: the ransom is 10 grand
Me: pass
Kidnapper: b-but she’s your family
Me: we haven’t talked in like 10 months
Kidnapper: you could call her too
Me:
Kidnapper:
Me: nice try Mom
Dad: [in background] did it work?[buying something online that in the pre-internet era I would’ve had to get out of bed, shower, get dressed, and leave the house to do]
Website: you have to go get your wallet now
Me: this is bullshit[CHECKS DRIVING TIME TO CHESAPEAKE BAY]. 🦀 🦀🍴🍴
Chesapeake Bay blue crabs are at their most plentiful in seven years, scientists say https://t.co/SUr5tQgYiK
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Monthly Archives: April 2017
Scenes From a Suburban Household
[SCENE — UPPER LEVEL OF A SUBURBAN HOUSE FATHER TRYING TO DRESS HIMSELF AND TWO YOUNG SONS MANAGES TO SHOWER AND GET DRESSED, AND GET ELDER SON TO DRESS HIMSELF, AND FINALLY, WITH MUCH STRUGGLING, DRESSES TWO-YEAR-OLD SON] FATHER: Okay, … Continue reading
