Today’s Detroit News proved that thousands of people can be wrong. The News released it list of what it alleges to be “Michigan’s Best” businesses of 2008, in a variety of categories. For the most part, it is what the kids these days would call an “EPIC FAIL.” It reads more like one of those “word-association” games, where someone says a word, and one spits out, without thinking, the first thing to come to mind. Because, for most of these, unless the majority of the Detroit News is a bunch of sheltered, ignorant slugs, they can’t have put much thought into some of these selections. Indeed, the News staff itself probably agrees — in some categories, apparently no longer to contain their annoyance at the poor choices, they chime in with their own choices. For several categories, they divided into “National” and “Michigan” subcategories, with the intent being that readers were to choose, say, the best national pizza chains and then the best locally based businesses. Apparently the people answering the survey couldn’t handle these simple instructions, choosing local-only chains for the “national” spot in some categories, forcing the News to begrudgingly cook up some preposterous explanation for why people would do something that stupid, much the same way adults tend to condescendingly praise children for childish activity that they find annoying, but don’t want to condemn for fear of stifling childlike wonder. Here are a few examples of the so-called “Best of Michigan 2008,” and why they’re completely misguided (in th very rare instance where the folk of the Detroit area actually chose wisely, I’ll point that out, too).
Best Seafood (National)
1. Red Lobster
Red. Lobster. Really. Red Lobster?! Jesus Christ, you might as well have chosen Long John Silver, too. If Long John Silver is the McDonald’s of Seafood, Red Lobster is the Denny’s. I know I’m a bit of a seafood snob given that my mom’s side of the family is from Baltimore, and my dad lives on the Atlantic coast in Florida, so I’m spoiled by real, fresh seafood, which you don’t get much around here. But really, of the many national seafood restaurant chains (McCormick & Schmick, Real Seafood Co), Red Lobster is the best you could come up with?
Best Sunday brunch (National)
1. Big Boy
I guess it’s hard to criticize this choice too much — There aren’t many “national” chains that do “Sunday brunch” around here. But while Big Boy’s breakfast buffet is a lot of food, cheap, I can put together a better breakfast myself.
2. Ram’s Horn
I don’t even like having to dignify this with a response. Ram’s Horn?! (1) It’s NOT A NATIONAL CHAIN; and (2) worse, still, THEY DON’T HAVE BRUNCH! And for the trifecta of idiocy, Ram’s Horn sucks. A lot. It’s a local knock-off of Denny’s that somehow manages to fall short of the “quality” one would expect from Denny’s.
The absolute horridness of these choices is perhaps more indicative of how weak this particular category is. There are plenty of decent brunch places, but they’re all local places.
Best Burger (National)
1. Big Boy
Big Boy has decent burgers, but they aren’t the best of the “nationals” — Ruby Tuesday’s “Triple Prime” or Chili’s “Big Mouth” burgers are probably more deserving.
2. Red Robin
Okay, they do have decent burgers here, so I have little to criticize here. But the local choices…. Oh, boy:
Best Burger (Michigan)
1. Yeck Family Drive-in Restaurant, Cheboygan
2. Strawberry Fields Restaurant, New Baltimore
Okay, GQ rated the best 20 hamburgers in the whole freakin’ country, and there were TWO from Michigan that made the list: The “Famous Burger” from the Sidetrack Grill in Ypsilanti, and the burger at the nigh-legendary Miller’s Bar in Dearborn. Neither managed to make it onto the Detroit News readers’ radars. Good job, Detroit. Instead, we get two restaurants from Cheboygan and New Baltimore. Not sure how the readers of a Detroit newspaper all manage to pick these two decidedly non-Detroit-area restaurant for this category (and a couple others), other than to say that methinks the “fix is in.”
Best Pizza (Michigan)
1. Papa Romano’s
2. Shields
As far as pizza goes, both of these are good, but not nearly close to the best, which is Buddy’s Pizza. Perhaps more insulting to Buddy’s than not being included on the list is the inclusion of Shields, which tries very hard to duplicate Buddy’s recipe (I think, actually, that Shields was opened by someone who used to be with Buddy’s) but falls short.
Place for a Coney (National)
1. National Coney Island
2. A&W
An exasperated Detroit News was forced to explain that, yes, it knows that National Coney Island is a local Detroit-area chain, but the mouth-breathers who answered the survey apparently thought that having the word “National” in the name was close enough. “Coneys” for those not in the know, are something of a Detroit-area thing — hot dogs with chili on them. In Pennsylvania, they actually call them “hot dogs with Michigan sauce.” A&W probably wins by default for being the only national chain one can think of that sells coneys.
Best Deli (Michigan)
1. Deli Basket
2. Zingerman’s Deli
Ah, yes — once more people buy into the Zingerman’s hype, probably without much thought. The Detroit area is just chock full of excellent delis, and while Zingerman’s is pretty good, I daresay there are many better ones. Plus Zingerman’s has let success get a bit to its head, and now charges a rather ridiculously high price for its food.
For some reason, the so-called “national” delis are also, as far as I can tell, local businesses. Another example of the failure of the Detroit News’s category system.
Best Grocery Store
1. Kroger
This is just plain wrong. The best grocery store around here is Hiller’s, followed perhaps by Holiday Market in Royal Oak.
Best Fried Chicken (Michigan)
1. Chicken Shack
Now here, I think I agree with this one. Chicken Shack does some damn good chicken.
I think the Detroit News dropped the ball on this year’s “Best of.” And many of the categories had the same out-of-town restaurant nobody here has ever heard of, which suggests to me that perhaps some of these results were rigged by some out-staters looking for free publicity. Most of the choices, though, were pretty bland, and it doesn’t seem like most of the voter’s put much thought into their choices. In my next post, I’ll give you the REAL “Best of Michigan.”
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