By now, everyone has heard that scientists have found that hops, a primary component of beer, contain xanthohumol, a chemical that inhibits a protein in prostate cells that leads to prostate cancer. "The trouble is," the article explains, "you'd theoretically have to drink about 17 beers a day for any potential benefit." 17 beers a day and you fight prostate cancer? Sounds like a no-lose scenario to me! The article goes on to say that Dr. Richard N. Atkins, CEO of the National Prostate Cancer Coalition, "noted that drinking 17 beers a day can lead to alcoholism and cirrhosis of the liver."
Well, no problem, Doc, because another study has found that drinking coffee can counteract alcohol's negative effects on the liver. One cup a day, the study suggests, lowers the risk of cirrhosis by twenty percent, and four cups of coffee lowers the risk by eighty percent.
So all you need to do is chase those seventeen beers with four cups of coffee. And, apparently, according to Dr. Atkins (not THE Dr. Atkins, of course), if you throw in four large pizzas a day, you get enough lycopene from the tomatoes to help further reduce the prostate cancer risk.
So four large pizzas, seventeen beers, and four cups of coffee per day. The sound you just heard is the head of my friend Heather, the vegan cardiologist, exploding.
Seriously, though, if she were blogging here, Heather would point out that consuming four cups of coffee, four large pizzas, and seventeen beers a day would definitely reduce prostate cancer risks, because you'd likely die of a heart attack long before any prostate cancer had a chance to take hold. And, dammit, she'd be right. So I guess I'm stuck drinking beer and eating pizza rarely and in moderation. Plus, I don't even like coffee. On the plus side, I can console myself with studies that show that men who ejaculate more frequently also have lower risk of prostate cancer. That's a "treatment regimen" I think I can follow.
Reid Kerr, a fellow Top Five List contributor, has noted that these beer, pizza, and coffee findings are clearly the work of lazy, gluttonous men. Reid has a list of several humorous "other scientific advances compiled by guy scientists," such as "Having sex with overweight men reduces the risk of breast cancer by 87%," and "Weekly intake of BBQ increases SAT scores." I'd also add, "Sitting on your ass watching football lowers stress." And really, it does in my case. Unless I'm watching the Lions.
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